What do you want, God?!
22 April 2008 by Sandy, csj
I just spent the better part of last night asking this question repeatedly as I tossed and turned, unable to sleep - for no apparent reason as best I can tell. I finished my grading by 10:30, found out I needed to post a homework solution for my students, got a Skype call from my friend M., and then tried to go to sleep - to no avail.
Tried reading, praying, crossword puzzles, listened to music, ended up watching “Sisters of Selma”, a PBS documentary, ate some peanut M&Ms (I know that probably wasn’t helpful….) In the end I probably got 2-3 hours of sleep before I dragged my sorry behind out of bed at 8:00.
So what was going through my mind - well, besides the repetition of the above question?
I suppose I was having one of those episodes (infrequent, thank God) of feeling nostalgic for the road “not taken.” I was having some moments of wishing to feel someone’s arms around me, or my arms around someone as I went to sleep. I asked God to allow me to have an experience of being in God’s arms, but the thought of how nice it would be to have another human being to wake up to stayed with me.
Does this mean that God wants me to leave the convent and start my search for the man or woman of my dreams? Of course not! It just means I was having a human moment, just like anyone else, one in which I feel keenly the implications of the commitments I’ve made, commitments that preclude some choices I might otherwise make. Does this mean I’m unhappy in religious life and my call to celibacy? Again, of course not!
You may wonder… “Why is she getting so personal in this post? Is this too much information?” To which I respond that if I were a gambler, which I’m not, I’d put good money on all of you having had nostalgia for the choice you could have but did not make. And I’m hoping that this builds connections among us on another level. A lot of the ideas about nuns in the popular culture are just so unreal. Guess what, WE ARE REAL - just get to know us as fellow human beings, as fellow seekers on this journey to the heart of God. You might find that we have much more in common than in difference.
Peace. Shalom. OM.
Oh Sandy, wow, thank you for sharing this. In fact, it leaves me quite speechless with its intensity and sincerity.
I need to think about it! It opens up so much in me … heavy stuff.
Just know that I SO know what you’re talking about. Be embraced!
I feel for what you wrote and I thank you for sharing it with us.
Your post reminds me of a friend who is dead now. She died of cancer nearly two years ago at the age of 58 or 59. She was single, a translator for the UN. She told me several times that she had not received a call to celibacy. She did not want to be single. She wanted to be in a relationship with someone she would love and who would love her. She shared her anger at God for giving her something she did not want. Unwanted celibacy was very difficult for her. Funny, how some friends never die somehow
Sandy, I have been thinking long and hard about this post of yours. And yes, of course nuns are REAL! Strange how the stereotypical image persists.
I have always disliked Adam from the Bible because he wanted an Eve when he had GOD (!) Who walked in the gardens with him. Until I realized very recently that God did not merely make us spirit; He made us flesh as well. And therefore we will always have physical needs, too. I’m not even referring to the sexual ~ though of course, that too ~ but the very real need to wake up with someone behind your back, or a shoulder to lean against.
And I think He understands very well when we long for a mate of our own, no matter how glorious our communion with Him sometimes is.
For myself, now that I am single, I desperately and deeply desire that awareness of His closeness. And though I still work through the emotional residue left by the break-up, I still sometimes long for a mate.
Do I have second thoughts about taking one road instead of the other? Oh, for sure! Battling regret is one of my most insidious and most constant struggles.
I learn a lot. And that is what this journey here is all about, isn’t it?
I hope you have found peace again.
Love,
Pippa
Thanks, Pippa and Claire, for your reflections. Having other views in addition to mine makes our conversation richer.
I’ve been sleeping quite well, you might like to know… In retrospect, I believe that part of my restlessness last week was unacknowledged nerves about a difficult meeting I had at work two days after I had the sleepless night. That’s not to discount my earlier reflection by any means…just a little more to add the the picture.