If you check the comments on the “About Me” page, you’ll notice that I had an exchange with Stacey, who believes that God is calling her to religious life. It calls to mind the dance with God in which I sometimes find myself. “Do you REALLY want me to do that?” … “Well, I can’t do what you want because of…” And then I learn that if God REALLY wants me to do something, the obstacles that I think are stopping me from responding to grace seem to soften and fall away. Often the obstacles are more in my own mind than in the external circumstances in my life…
Anyway, back to Stacey’s question… It occurred to me that it might be helpful to Stacey and others who may be in similar circumstances if (a) some folks who have experience in vocation/formation ministry could provide some realistic information about what does or does not constitute an obstacle to entering religious life, and (b) sisters like me share about things we’ve overcome to either enter or stay in religious life.
So…I’ll start… During my year of candidacy, a few weeks before I was to enter the novitiate, I had a “God moment”. I had had a retreat in which I had a real sense that God was was preparing me to face something very difficult. I was thinking, “Doh! I’m giving up my car and my job to start novitiate. That’s what it must be.” Well, very soon after the retreat, the God moment occurred, when I became open to the idea that I had a problem with drinking and that I needed to own up to it and get some help, telling my spiritual director and the novice director. Talk about scary! I was afraid that the novice director was going to tell me that I would have to go away for treatment and then start the whole process again, when I knew that it was only the love and acceptance I experienced in the community that allowed me to face reality. Fortunately, I was allowed to proceed with novitiate at the same time as I was starting my recovery with help from my therapist and other recovering alcoholics. And twenty-one years later, here I am, still a sister, and still sober.
How about you? Do you have anything you can share, even anonymously, that might provide encouragement to those who might be struggling with an “obstacle” that you or someone you know has overcome to be a productive, happy religious?
I look forward to your stories…
I wanted to add my Vocation Story to the question “Who can be a nun?”
When I was in the 4th grade, the father of one of my classmates died. Jim’s father was, also, our family doctor. This was one of my first encounters with the death of a person I knew. At thar funeral ( Our whole class went.) I realized that death was something I would have to face someday, so I decided that I would have to do something “special” with my life. I looked at the Sisters that were in the Church with us and decided then and there that this was the Calling I would answer.
During HIgh School, my resolve never changed. So, at 18 years of age, I entered the Convent.
It is now some 60 years later. I have had a wonderfully exciting professional carreer and peaceful community and spiritual life. God is definitely not to be outdone in generosity
Thanks for sharing your stories.
Hi, Sandy. Resurrecting an old thread, here….
I am always happy to find sites like yours where Catholic and 12 steps intersect. I spent two years in 12-step programs, mostly Al-Anon ACOA, 20 years ago. That’s where I learned to believe in God; I was already in the program when I started going to church (for the choir!), then went through RCIA, and now for the third time (every ten years or so), I am discerning a religious vocation. The first time I was a candidate with an active order; the second time I visited Benedictines, even Cistercians; but I never found a place that felt like home. Now, at 41, I am seriously considering seeking consecration as a hermit.
“Obstacles”? Ha ha …. well, there’s the man in my life. We started out as lovers 2 1/2 years ago, but soon gave up sex in frustration because birth control was too much of a pain in the neck. When I started to feel the “call” again, about a year and a half ago, we went through another adjustment, and I guess I’d describe the difference as sobriety (chastity, by the grace of God being able to be together without the temptation) versus just not drinking (just not having sex). But we are still very close, we are best friends, we still kiss and cuddle, and we still love each other.
Now how about the fact that he is married to someone else? In my defense, I did not take him from her. When I met him, they hadn’t shared a bed for 30 years, and both agreed on avoiding each other’s company as much as humanly possible. But nonetheless, he is married, and in the Church, at that.
But I haven’t thrown him aside, really, because of a lesson I learned back in the 12-step days: don’t make major changes, especially in relationships or jobs, until I’m really sure of what I’m doing, that is on a gut-feeling (discernment) level. I don’t have a gut feeling that it is time to tell T good-bye yet. He knows about my desire to enter religious life in one way or another, and it has been a painful year for him. He loves me very much, and our relationship has been healing for him (me, too!), and he does not want to give me up — but if GOD wants me, how can he say no? He is a deeply spiritual person, and even though he does not have any control over my decision, nonetheless his willed “yes” to God in this situation has meaning.
Point being … well, I don’t know what your exchange with Stacey was about, but all I can say is take little steps toward the vocation you feel you are being called toward. Don’t force it. If it’s really from God, God will make things fall into place, obstacles will fall away. The things you are focusing on as obstacles might not be top priority to Him, there may be something else He wants you to deal with first. Faith.
Work the 11th Step, every day … then get out of His way and let Him lead.
oops, I think I should clarify. I am not looking to become a consecrated hermit where I am now, or even in this Diocese. I am trying to sell or rent my house and get away to Appalachia … so the relationship with T will end (or change to pen pals?), as my vocational exploration moves forward.
I want to go out to the wilderness … meanwhile some neighbor has been BLASTING mariachi music all. day. long. LOL, who knows if I will actually take vows as a hermit, maybe I just need a long vacation from the city. Either way, it’s an intensive 11-step process, isn’t it?
Blessings,
Regina
Thanks, Regina, for sharing your story, and blessings in your continued discernment. It sounds as if you have some difficult decisions to make, and that you have a deep desire to live with integrity.
Even if you decide not to pursue a vocation as a consecrated hermit, I encourage you to explore whether a continued relationship with T honors all involved. I hope this is something you feel you can share with your spiritual director.
Just a final thought…as for 12-step programs, it is important for me to realize that it’s not something I can ever “graduate” from. As one of the AA books says, “What we have is a temporary reprieve, contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” If I do not continue to work the program, I put myself at great peril. And for me, it is important to spend time around other people in recovery.
I wish you all the best!
Sandy
Hi, Sandy. My spiritual director does know about my relationship with T! He shakes his head, but admits that we seem to be good for each other, at least the way our relationship is now. In an odd sort of way, I think it has been good for T’s marriage, too. I have told him from the beginning that I found his guilty feelings over our relationship strange, since in fact he had been unfaithful to the marriage relationship for years — marriage is not just about sex, and it’s not even necessarily about romantic love, that’s a modern concept, isn’t it? It is, more importantly, about honoring and respecting one’s spouse, supporting and nurturing and accepting. Hopefully mutual, but after all, he can only change himself. But he felt so starved for love himself, so lonely and depressed, and thinking that it had to come from her alone, that he was a terrible husband. Sweet as honey to everybody in the world except her (and she likewise, apparently), but they two could never have a conversation without it ending in shouting and slamming doors and insults. Now he has had the healing experience of being loved unconditionally, and it’s as if it took the pressure off his marriage. He and his wife actually get along a lot better than they did before. I thanked God from the bottom of my heart when she called one day, just to tell him something funny that had happened, and I overheard a relaxed, even friendly conversation between them. He still says she’s “dumb as a box of bricks”, but he says it gently, with a smile. He just seems to have more compassion toward her, and of course now that our relationship has changed, he is not burdened with the guilt that he felt at the beginning. Thanks be to God.
As for me and the Program …. I never was really there for any addiction issues, mine or anyone else’s. I had suffered from major depression growing up, and just really needed God and healing. After two years, I felt that the meetings were too focused on the problem (which weren’t, generally speaking, my problems), and not focused enough on the solution that the program had shown me: developing a relationship with God, mostly, as well as ongoing self-examination and confession, facing life head-on, honestly & fearlessly. I found the relationship with God most nurtured in the Church, and there was a format for the 10th step, too. I try to reach out to others as I can, but I do wish I had more opportunities for 12th-stepping. Actually, now that I think about it, I lent out my Big Book on Friday! Paradoxically, as a consecrated hermit I expect I would have more opportunity to share, since at least parishioners and near neighbors would know of me as a person dedicated to prayer.
I have often thought I would like to find or form a 12-step group for people like me, not focused on any addictions, just sort of a “Sinners Anonymous” (but of course, that name would turn a lot of people off, wouldn’t it? Too explicitly religious. Would have to come up with a better name). I’m sure it exists, but don’t know where to find it around here.
Anyway … if you click on my name it will take you to my blog, you can read some more about me. See the post on “What it means to NEED God”, especially. It’s a very new blog, I just started it last month, but you might find it interesting. I have two more posts percolating in my mind now: one on everyday, garden-variety idolatry, and one on social sin in our time (naming some of the structural sins of our society, and how to extricate oneself from participation in them, or if that is not possible, at least work to reform them).
Regina
Well … I went to an AA meeting yesterday. Not really happy about it, but it seems my body can’t handle even a moderate amount (by my old standards) of drinking any more. I can eat anything, hot peppers, whatever, but alcohol — my stomach just reacts really badly to it any more. Anyway, good wine is an expensive habit, and I don’t want to go back to the kind of job I would have to have to support an expensive lifestyle.
So I figured … I talk so much about how the 12 step programs gave me my life back (way back when), introduced me to God, etc etc …. I might as well go give it another try. I suppose I’ll get happier about it after I’ve been to a few more meetings.
Regina
Regina,
Thanks for sharing…I’m not sure whether you’re saying you are addicted to alcohol, or if it’s a habit that is expensive and upsets your stomach. If the latter, it may be understandable why AA doesn’t do much for you. Still, you might want to attend meetings for a while to see…
As for AA versus ACOA, etc…at the time I started in recovery (Aug. 11 was my 23rd anniversary sober), the ACOA groups seemed to have a lot of people who were in a lot of pain, without any “old-timers” to put things in perspective. So yes, I would characterize those early meetings as “focused on the problem, not the solution.” I found much more stable recovery among the AA-ers at that time.
Having said that, the CoDA and Al-Anon groups I attend now have a lot of members with excellent long term recovery. So you might find that to be true in your area as well.
BTW, if you’d feel more comfortable sharing this stuff with me in a less public forum, feel free to contact me directly by filling out the form on the “About Me” page.